Day 48: Space

During my travels I have learned to let of go of the attachments I place on people.  I have been asked why I am so distant.  I have gone days without a single text message besides the one from my mom that she copy and pastes to her morning texting list.  I have gone months without being asked ‘Are you ok?’  Although this may sound depressing, it has taught me to truly generate happiness from within myself.  

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I would say that I was a person that wasn’t ok until everyone else around me was ok.  I had to stop listening to the gossip that my parents wanted to tell about each other.  I had to clock out of being the person my siblings vented to about each other.  I had to stop trying to rescue every wounded bird I saw in the street.  Not all relationships have been this way but more often than not.  

This need started subsiding as soon as I discovered that I had no idea how to rescue myself.  I couldn’t find a reason to be happy or to be alive anymore.  Still to this day, I have to fight the negative feelings of rejection from my dad and our nonexistent relationship.  I have to fight the jealousy I feel when I think about how close my brother and him are despite all of the stuff my brother has put him through.  I have to constantly remind myself that the worthlessness that I let my dad make me feel is not really my true worth.   

I have to keep looking and searching for a new community after my travel adventures are over because moving back to St Joseph doesn’t feel like the right place for me anymore.  I don’t feel I’ll be able to thrive in a place where politics and who likes who gets you somewhere.  I may be disillusioned that this is not the way that the whole world works but I will keep searching until I find what fulfills me.  If I had a choice I would stay in Mumbai or Southeast Asia forever.  

Today is a melancholy day.  I’m not happy or sad.  I just am.  My leg was injured on Monday after just having a dream  on Sunday about an injury.  The pain I feel is on the outside of my left knee.  It popped while I was trying to get into padmasana and has been in pain since.  I believe the bone popped back in but I’m taking it easy just to be sure.  These days will come just as they will go but it’s times like these that I wish I had a a mentor or guru to guide me.