After yesterday’s class, I left feeling like I couldn’t shake my performance during the asana portion. My mind is constantly defeating me especially when it comes to my stomach area. I hate my stomach area. Instead of writing about body image after I get skinny, I wanted to write about it while I’m living with it everyday. Those feelings of hatred towards myself for letting my body get this way do nothing but deplete the energy I need for practice. My core is strong - it’s what surrounds it that makes my life difficult.
During seated postures, I am constantly sucking in my stomach. In seated twisting postures, my stomach sticks out and doesn’t allow me to go to the fullest potential of the asana. Sucking in my stomach so much makes me tired and worn out. My breath gets heavy and this makes my stomach stick out even further. Did I mention that I hate my stomach area?
I look in the mirror and tuck my belly in so that I can see what it would look like if I were to lose about 40 lbs. Now, I know better than to perform this violence towards myself in my thoughts and in my words but I can’t help but to know what I could look like. People have said to me that I don’t look like a yoga teacher. What does a yoga teacher look like?
I have been eating as a vegetarian (except eggs) for the last two months almost and have dropped some body fat but nothing like when I add supplements to my regimen. This time I’m taking it off to keep it off for good. This is not a temporary fix. This is a lifestyle change. I researched about going vegan but I don’t see how It would be sustainable during travels and the pressures in United States. Vegetarianism is almost looked down upon because it is different. In the Midwest, they can’t even understand the difficulties of being gluten intolerant so I don’t expect such small minds to understand vegetarianism.
It goes without saying, again, that I can’t stand my stomach area. I loathe it. I know that I should accept my body and love my body but it is virtually impossible because at every turn it affects me in some way. I can look in the mirror and completely love the person I am on the inside. However, when I start to look at the outside, I am immediately drawn to the stomach region and want to just breakdown and cry. Even superhero’s have flaws. My biggest flaw is not being able to love all of me while I am going through this transformation.