In any city I go to in any stretch of the world, I am told that I am a leader. Regardless, if I want this role or not I am starting to embrace this. Most of time, I cave to the feeling of my critics saying that I’m too controlling or I let them get to me on a superficial level. I have excelled at everything I have tried except my first 10 years of trying to get my bachelors degree. Even in Mumbai, I have been put in roles that surprise even myself. Is the fact that I’m not surrendering to who I truly am? When will I stop asking permission to simply be what I was put on this planet to do?
I found a recording of an April 2015 St. Joseph Community Chorus concert and started listening to it. I had forgotten that I had multiple solos and actually directed a piece from a musical that keeps haunting me, HAIRSPRAY! How did I forget so many accomplishments within this one concert? Probably because I was on a high dosage of Prozac and a sleeping medication. If you have read my blog up to this point, you would know that I blame my taking of antidepressants on the people I surrounded myself with rather than a mental illness itself.
I have done this in many aspects of my life. Graduating college with distinction is clouded by my negative feelings towards the school for trying to close our main gallery right before my senior show. I was the only one in my department to achieve that distinction and, yet, I forget all the time. The was also the time that I won the Drum Major for Justice Award from Missouri Western State College while I was 8,000 miles away. I was protested by the Westboro Baptist church because of my artwork. I got to hug the Shirley Phelps. This was overshadowed by fact that my gay ‘community’ did not come out to support me and what I was trying to say about hate.
I’m saying that I am starting to step into who I am by making anyone feel less than. I am saying that I am unapologetically going to be me without regard of how other’s feel about it or how it makes them feel. Really the people who have tried to stuff me down should be worried. I feel empowered. I know feel like I have purpose. Now, I need to take these talents that I have and figure out what purpose they have all together as a whole.
Instead of waiting for approval from someone, I am finally stepping into this world with my arms wide open without an expectation except for being true to myself. If other people are uncomfortable with that, it’s their problem. I have been shown time and time again that people will do anything to make sure that I don’t get to shine my light. Unfortunately for them, I got rid of my on and off switch. Fortunately for me, I know that I have purpose and I don’t need anyone’s permission to be me.