Day 36: Rough

I keep revisiting memories of being hurt this past week.  I try to be with these emotions but they end up taking over me in a way where I want to cry and be pissed off at the same time.  I am litterally sitting in class for 4 hours a day that preaches letting go.  The harder I am trying to let these emotions go the more angry and sad I get.  It doesn’t make me feel any better but I have resorted to chocolate. 


I posted on my Facebook account, “You are enough.”  The Truth of this is that sometimes you won’t be enough to some people and other times you’ll be too much.  All of those opinions people have don’t matter.  You are enough in this world regardless of other’s opinions.  Hell, I have people that feel it is completely justified to make stuff up about me regardless of my constant self-inflicted need to make myself a better person every single day.

I think of my dad in a lot of this. I can’t remember the last time I was randomly asked how I am or if I’m doing ok. I have so many emotions of hurt because I no longer feel like my parent’s son, my sister or brother’s brother or an uncle to any of my nephews or niece.  Actually, no one in my family asks me how I’m doing.  No one FaceTimes with me regardless of the fact that they all have the capability.  This bothers me to the core but there is nothing that can be done.  

I think about a friend and all the stories she probably has to tell about me to make herself feel better.  I think about a shampoo bowl that is still legally mine sitting in a salon left by the person who stole it from me.  I think about a guy in Newport, WA and how sad it must be that he has to constantly look over his shoulder.  I think about a guy that sits behind an iMac with a glass of vodka and cranberry with nothing better to do with his life than to speak horrribly about me.  I think about a different hairstylist that constantly lies about me and because of jealousy is no longer my friend.  I think about a father that has called his son a faggot for wearing a necklace.

All these things, I have to let them go.  They are not pleasant emotions so I am happy to do so.  I am happy to know that these emotions will pass.  In all of this, I can see one positive.  I am present to these emotions and where these emotions are coming from.  Before, I would have just been angry or pissed off for ‘no reason’.  Being present to these emotions is helping me to identify triggers and helping the emotions that they bring not be so vibrant.  For now, I’m breathing in and out very slow learning the practice of letting these emotions go.