Day 86: Disconnection

 Over the past several years, I have been learning about the power of disconnecting.  I am, by nature, drawn to people and people seem to be drawn to me.  However, what is nature is not always law.  I answer friends questions at all hours of the day and night when they have fallen on hard times.

Recently, I have noticed that the only people I talk to on a regular (daily) basis is my mom, my boyfriend and my dear friend Pieter.  This used to be upsetting because I tried to connect with everyone close to me daily for a couple of months.  I was expecting a reply. We all know that expectations lead to pain and misery.  So, I stopped wearing myself out to make sure that my friends and those close to me know that I love them.  They should know that I love them because every time they are in a situation where they need someone, I’m the one they call or message.  This all goes back to being enough or my fear of not being enough.

So, the process of disconnecting began not out of a reaction but a natural response to avoid pain and sadness.  I started with my family first.  My father is not a talker and he says that he doesn’t like to message or email.  I respect that.  He is my father so regardless of the length of time we go without speaking I don’t need to be the one to reach out first all the time.  There is some effort required to be a part of my life.  My brother and sister and their beautiful children don’t communicate with me near as often as I wished but they are busy with baseball,  wrestling and visitation schedules.  I try to spend as much time with them as possible.  To some it may look like I’m absent but I know that when I am with them I am present making memories for those times when the silence is deafening.  

When I am disconnecting, I don’t feel good or bad about it because it is my life and my feelings that usually get hurt.  I have all these friends and have had none come visit in the past 2 1/2 years.  This is despite how many said they would.  My own father hasn’t come to visit me so friends not coming to visit doesn’t hurt that much.  I am disconnecting not because I hate people or love people but to let them and myself be free. The road to freedom is a two-way street.  I can’t be free until all of my friends and family are free from my expectations and assumptions.  It doesn’t hurt to let people lie to me.  It doesn’t hurt for people to use me if my heart is clean.  It doesn’t require any more or less energy to not be around and find my own happiness.  

While most people see disconnecting as a response, I see it as the keys to my emotional and mental freedom.  I am feeling less and less like I need hold people accountable to their word.  I feel empowered to seek what truly makes me happy.  I feel finally ready to give myself the permission to love me for me.