Day 211: Countdown

As my partner and I are on the final countdown of our India experience, it is hard not to be dreading coming back to what is so familiar. However, this new set of knowledge has me mentally prepared for the challenges that are surely about to come my way. For the last three years, I have been a witness to people that were my friends finding my distance from them being an inconvenience so they have disappeared off the radar. Other unexpected people have come into my life and I get to see them in a new light.

So many people said that would visit. I mean we even got an extra year here and have had my mom, Linda, JaRan, now, Lyndon, Pieter and, soon, my friend, Brean. That’s it. In three years, 6 people have come here. I can understand not having the money and, in the case of my father, I can vaguely see not having the time. What I can’t see is people that are constantly traveling and have never even reached out. These are people that were close to me. I admittedly had expectation and now expect nothing out of them. I don’t even expect their friendship.

I will practice Mudita with them along with everyone else but my attachment to these people is way less regardless of their empty promises of making it to a land that I would have loved to share with them. I do not lack understanding when it comes to this. I have had friends that definitely have had their fair share of life handed to them and fro that I don’t blame them. I’m talking about the people that I haven’t heard from in months or, in some cases, even years. It is almost as though since I am not there physically to give myself so freely they moved on to other’s that they can leach from.

I have had a teacher that said that regardless of the outcome to give freely. Tangible things and intangible things that I person wants just give. Give with no expectation of anything back. This is the process of not creating karma with people. I want no karmas with people. I have no desire to have my soul leave my body and find another when I die. I want to be completely free even after my death.

I have feelings and thoughts that I am debating reconciling with certain people because I am completely shocked. My gut feeling is that confronting these people will just cause drama. I feel that just distancing myself and doing my work will make enough of a statement to let people know that their friendship is realized for what it is and it no longer suits me. I am not seeking empty promises to make me feel better. I am looking for like-minded people that are wanting to simply make this world a better place and I can’t be affected by broken promises/expectations going forward.