As I write today, I have extreme anxiety about moving back to Missouri. Doug’s focus is making sure that his mom is going to be ok while my focus is if I’m going to be ok. My friends are coming back from Vietnam tonight so I will have several days to spend with them and take my mind off of the worry and torment that moving back to Missouri is having me feel. I hope that they have a fabulous time and don’t recognize that I am terrified on the inside.
They have already been supportive in wanting me to move to Rochester and I’m just torn. There is so much opportunity in starting over. Finding a new city and just doing my best to make it a better place for everyone. Helping people better their own lives is my main passion. This is all possible.
It is possible for me to live in several different places just as it is possible for me to continue my relationship with Doug while I live my dreams. The ebb and flow of a relationship will happen as it always does regardless of distance. I worry that my life is too ambitious for him. I worry that while I live my dreams, he feels forgotten.
The countdown continues and my anxiety skyrockets despite my yogic training and continued practice. With everyday that passes, I am already mentally leaving Mumbai to all the different possibilities that I can make happen. There are so many opportunities that I lay in bed awake at night feeling overwhelmed. It’s not so bad to be overwhelmed with possibility.
When thinking about detachment today, I thought about how I am detached from the world around me out of protection and I am attached to the world around me because of ego. How do you just let things be when we are told we are in control and only we can create our future or outcomes? This confusing world we live in has me frustrated and grateful at the same time. If we stand still, aren’t we still moving?