Day 187: Benevolent Indifference

Often, there are times of comfort and times of pain. We react differently to both. Some people trust when things are running smoothly and others get terrified for fear that something is going to happen. Someone lays awake at the end of the day thinking about death being completely frightened and another person lays in bed at the exact same time saying that it’s time to let go. This is benevolent indifference.

I have recently had this happen with my feelings. It feels like I am separate from my feelings. I react to joy and sadness in the same way. I feel as though life is happening as it should. Happiness comes and goes. Wealth comes and goes. Sadness comes and goes. I feel separate.

I had a teacher say that we are only the protector screen in the movie. We are not the actors, the director or the very projector that the movie comes from. How beautiful is that. People are always shielding themselves from pain by acting out or creating walls. Wouldn’t it be pointless to go to a movie and where a blindfold? Perhaps you’ve been in a movie theatre where a very tall person sat in front of you. How did that feel?

To be the projector screen is to simply let the movie just play. I am feeling like I am losing the desire to interact with people socially. I just want to teach them the tools to make positive change in their life and then I’m out. Just like the tornado on my back, it touches down and creates some destruction, or change, and then goes back into the clouds.

What if a tornado did good things when it touched down on the ground? Would we fear the tornado that made the world a little brighter? Yes. People fear me because I am that change. This is my purpose. I am put on this earth not to destroy but to make catastrophic change for good.