When you are trying to make huge sweeping changes in your life, you must remember that 'it can't happen all in one day.' This was a phrase my mom and dad use to tell me. As an adult, I'm now confused by that statement because when we want something bad enough we change on a dime. Actually, I would bet that anything we really want - we make happen. This goes for weight loss, sports and a vacation goals. My coach, Wesley Chapman, and I are completely starting to do the real work.
After all, now I have to be nothing but honest with myself: I thought changing my life would happen overnight and Wesley would be the magic wand that would solve everything. Wrong. While, Wes is completely helpful, a lot of this work is happening on my own with his guidance. I find shifting in my thoughts, my attitudes towards people become more connected and my resistance to fall into the negative has a high threshold. I'm grateful for Wes and have to credit myself as well.
In the beginning of our work, he had me write my story. It basically ended up being this victim drama with real life scenarios. We all have something that has happened to us when you take out the competition of who had it worse. In the three months of work, I had read and reread that story multiple times (and, still do). Although I have had some serious things happen to me in my very short lifetime, the way I look at every situation is different. I'm not talking about petty, recent adult situations. I am talking about from my first memory until the present. Victim is a word that is a curse and a blessing. To some, it is a weapon when you have fallen victim to them.
Did I mention that all of our calls are recorded - audio and video? Yes. I watch them too. I stopped being embarrassed after rewatching a call where I was disappointed when I didn't feel my birthday was celebrated the way I expected it to be. We have focused on expectation because my expectations are so high for people and circumstances. I'm a work in progress with a hard deadline.
My journey also lead me to reverse engineering my goals. I broke up my life into different quadrants. Relationship, Art, Intellectual, Career and Financial quadrants were a few that I listed goals under. Then, I wrote what it would take to achieve that goal. Since then has really been making it all happen. I have a corporate art sale in the works, I have grown my Instagram follows, started documenting my journey and started a routine that I work towards daily.
In the Honesty module of Wes's program, we established that my core identity is Unconditional Love but I let this cause me conditional pain. I love unconditionally but then I let myself get hurt and blame others for that pain. This was an incredible discovery moment. I have let people's actions completely crush me. I have let people actions determine who I am. What the hell?
While now I am on a path of forgiveness, I am learning to forgive myself first. In the end, the only person that you have to answer to is yourself. The only person who's disappointment really matters is your own. It is hard to look at your faults and say, "You know, it's ok. Let's try that again." Eventually, we become what we think. I'm thankful that this journey of self discovery in 'Waking my inner hero' has paralleled with my yoga journey.
So, why do I write this blog? Because this is one of my hurdles that I have to jump over. I have to be able to be simply be me without censoring myself out of fear that you or whoever reads this will not like me or think less of me. I have to write this because one day it is my hope that I can look back at this and say, "Who the hell was that guy?" And, step more into the life that I choose to live with love that doesn't deplete me but energizes me.