Day 78: The Choices We Make


I make choices everyday to succeed or too fail. Yes, I have observed that I set myself up to fail. I have equally played it safe to succeed. I have started to let go of the guilt that is associated with these acts. In this post, I want to share with you three times in my own life I have played it safe or sabotaged myself to failure.

1. My Artwork

I have always tried to maintain some for of art form in my life. I have done musical theatre, vocal arts, instrumental arts, visual arts and graphic arts. I blame economy for my failure after art school but now I question my talent in that market and my drive. I have friends that I took classes with that are very successful. I gave up on painting and visual arts when I left home diminishing my talent for realism. Now, I am doing photography and I have let one rejection from the Albrecht-Kemper Museum of Art question my ability and talent. Instead of focusing on other opportunities, I let that decide if I had talent of now. I take the praise from everyone about how talented I am and don’t hone in on those talents to become even better. People’s criticisms and praise should be taken with the same grain of salt.

2. My Worth

Lately, I have been blaming my experience with Wesley Chapman for questioning my worth. Why do I keep surrounding myself with people that want to cheat me out of money and self-esteem? I look for validation from people that I look up to or are close to. I depend on this on this validation. I have done this in negative ways as well. I say that I look gross or make a comment about my weight hoping that my partner will say that I am wrong or that he doesn’t see me that way. It’s a sickening behavior that I have been more present to. Isn’t my reflection that I have to look at in the mirror, not theirs?

3. My Future

I am questioning and blaming my ability to become a yoga teacher. I keep blaming my weight, my body and the market for these doubts that creep in sometimes. I share to social media everyday with quotes, pictures of performing asanas and little inspirational messages that I hope touches some people. I want to make huge change in this world but want to think in small ways. I think very small sometimes. I have been working for months on an online yoga program and have yet to publish it online. I have coaching materials to start coaching with a podcast that I know would be completely awesome but instead I blame the past and people for why I am not doing any of these things. I tend to fall into this habit because I fear the unknown and it is human instinct to fear anything that we don’t know.

Dooming yourself does nothing for anyone. For example, if I want to make huge change in this world, it is going to take a lot of work and a lot less doubting my abilities. When it comes to people, they should have no ability to influence or destroy anything that I do. The haters are starting to fade aways and now the enemy that I am starting to see is myself.