Day 133: Connections

I have written in the past about my inability to trust people and make new connections. During this time, I have completely changed the way that I feel for my friends or new people that I meet. Now, I avoid pain. I see posts of friend and receive messages from friends on social media all the time talking about how they have been brushed aside by the very institutions that vow to protect and treat them. I too have had my medications tampered with while taking Prozac and Ambien.

The Center lost its license to prescribe medicine and I received a letter from them stating that I would no longer have medication that would be prescribe by them. The letter suggested that I contact a general practitioner to continue on my medication. This was the first step in me deciding that I would try to go off of my medication and try something new. It would be a total lie to say that the detox from this didn’t suck because it was an absolute roller coaster.

Now, before you judge me, know my story. It has been suggested to me by professionals that it was perhaps my surroundings and the people I was bringing into my life that was causing such a negative spiral in my mental health. However, I can’t blame the situations or people anymore either. This took a long time to realize and admit to myself because I wanted to so badly to blame them for my problems. It’s an amazing journey when you discover that you don’t have to fight to be other people’s lives. In yoga, you learn that you don’t have to react to or like/dislike environments that make you feel comfortable or uncomfortable.

This is where I feel the change in my relationships with people. Regardless of what people, family or friends, do or don’t do, I remain the same person and love them all the same. Any one who has met me knows that I am there for them no matter. I have even answered the calls of strangers that found a post on Facebook and need someone to talk to because of a tough time they were having. I don’t have to be caught up in drama because that is not who I am. However, since I am not perfect, I may unintentionally start drama because I also can’t control other people’s reactions.

If negativity comes my way because of something I did or didn’t do, I can always explain that I wasn’t even aware of what I did and that does not make me a bad person. I still struggle with making mistakes because for the longest time I was told that I was perfect, then I came out as gay and had been trying to make up for it every since. Every human being I meet is perfect even with their flaws. Flaws sometimes make the person unique or intriguing but not bad. This all stems from a lecture today about the soul. Our teacher talked about the mind, intellect, ego and soul. She said that a soul is never bad. The person that is saying someone is bad is speaking out of ego. Additionally, a person that thinks they are bad isn’t thinking from their intellect.