Day 12 - I'll Be Home For Christmas
For the next 25 days, I'm going to sing a Christmas song for you. #25daysofChristmas
***This was recorded on an APP called SMULE SING! and legally downloaded for sharing on Social Media Platforms***
Day 11 - It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Day 11 - It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
For the next 25 days, I'm going to sing a Christmas song for you. #25daysofChristmas
***This was recorded on an APP called SMULE SING! and legally downloaded for sharing on Social Media Platforms***
Day10 - Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reind
Day 10 - Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer
For the next 25 days, I'm going to sing a Christmas song for you. #25daysofChristmas
***This was recorded on an APP called SMULE SING! and legally downloaded for sharing on Social Media Platforms***
Day 9 - You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch
Day 9 - You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch
For the next 25 days, I'm going to sing a Christmas song for you. #25daysofChristmas
***This was recorded on an APP called SMULE SING! and legally downloaded for sharing on Social Media Platforms***
Day 8 - Little Drummer Boy
Day 8 - The Little Drummer Boy
For the next 25 days, I'm going to sing a Christmas song for you. #25daysofChristmas
***This was recorded on an APP called SMULE SING! and legally downloaded for sharing on Social Media Platforms***
Day 7 - Jingle Bell Rock
IT'S BEEN A WEEK ALREADY!!!!!!
Day 7 - Jingle Bell Rock
For the next 25 days, I'm going to sing a Christmas song for you. #25daysofChristmas
***This was recorded on an APP called SMULE SING! and legally downloaded for sharing on Social Media Platforms***
Day 6 of the #25DaysofChristmas
Day 5 of the #25DaysofChristmas
Day 5 - White Christmas
For the next 25 days, I'm going to sing a Christmas song for you. #25daysofChristmas
***This was recorded on an APP called SMULE SING! and legally downloaded for sharing on Social Media Platforms***
Day 4 of the #25DaysofChristmas
Day 4 - Santa Claus is Coming to Town
For the next 25 days, I'm going to sing a Christmas song for you. #25daysofChristmas
***This was recorded on an APP called SMULE SING! and legally downloaded for sharing on Social Media Platforms***
Day 3 of the #25DaysofChristmas
Day 3 - Winter Wonderland
For the next 25 days, I'm going to sing a Christmas song for you. #25daysofChristmas
***This was recorded on an APP called SMULE SING! and legally downloaded for sharing on Social Media Platforms***
Day 2 of the #25DaysofChristmas
Day 2 - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
For the next 25 days, I'm going to sing a Christmas song for you. #25daysofChristmas
***This was recorded on an APP called SMULE SING! and legally downloaded for sharing on Social Media Platforms***
Day 1 of the #25DaysofChristmas
For the next 25 days, I'm going to sing a Christmas song for you.#25daysofChristmas
Day 1 - The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire)
***This was recorded on an APP called SMULE SING! and legally downloaded for sharing on Social Media Platforms***
Looking Forward to Home
As the anxiety starts to settle in about returning home, I am reminded of the bubble that I contained myself in. While in India, I have yoga classes with meditation, amazing food choices and walking the line of being completely anonymous and infamous at the same time. I already miss India and I haven't even left yet.
My element is in chaos. My experience is going for days without seeing someone I know personally and keeping to myself in my world of creation. When I think about going home, I get a general sense of feeling hindered and "too much." I'm too much for a lot of people, I have learned, because I make them face a part of themselves that is uncomfortable. I stretch the limits of what is possible. This is a quality I now embrace.
My own life story stretches the limits of what is possible. How did a guy from St. Joseph, MO make it to California, graduate from one of the top private art schools in the United States, move back to Missouri and, then, move halfway across the world to India? It blows my mind every single day. I have to wonder if I made all these things happen. I did say that I would be back when I set foot in San Francisco back in 2000 for an overnight photoshoot. I, also, said one day that I would make it to India. My day has come.
I have to wonder if this goes for negative things in our life too. If I think that my trip home will be full of drama and discouragement, will I make it that way? I have come too far to know that my self worth is too much to ignore. I have learned the power of positive thinking not only of myself but of others. This is true on all fronts.
Regardless of what comes my way while visiting the U.S., I vow that I am just going to enjoy the ride. Most of all, I have a very select few that I am very excited to see and hug. I get to live and work in New York City for a week, teach a 2-day yoga workshop, be a special speaker at Missouri Western State University, sell my photo prints and facilitate a class to keep young drivers safe on the road. That translates to getting to help people, my favorite thing to do in the entire world.
From the famous words of Jewel in keeping to my musical references - "I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way." After all, it's not everyday you get to say, "Hey, I'm only in the states for a month."
Your Last Day on Earth
While doing the exploration part of my to do list today, I listen to some videos from Gary Vaynerchuk. This guy says the F-word a lot. His message is simple - Stop complaining and Start doing what you want to do. He has over 2.2 million followers on his Facebook and Instagram. He is one of the most sought after public speakers.
One of the videos was of his #AskGaryVee Show, him and his guest were speaking about brutal honesty with co-workers. You get a sense that Gary is serious down to the core. How did he rise to this? He made choices that were his own. He took his path and made it a journey that he is still currently on.
As I was listening, he stated that we shouldn't have anymore whiny Mondays with our head down. After this I was so excited that I actually clapped when I completed my 5K in 17 minutes and 9 seconds. Then, the whole time I was meditating, I was thinking and just letting my brain enjoy this feeling of discovery. I left that exercise feeling energize and ready to get more work done.
The question that stays with me out of all the videos that I watched today - What if this was the last day I had here on Earth? Would I be proud of myself for loathing the roundness of my stomach? Did I accomplish everything that I sought out do? What would I leave behind? What a profound freedom I feel at this moment.
I would most certainly be ashamed of loathing my appearance. I am more embarrassed that I lost all of this weight only to gain it back because of late night Taco Bell runs, lost of pizza and impromptu left turns into Kris&Kate's. I had a teacher in the Landmark Forum very clearly state how you lose weight - EAT LESS, MOVE MORE. I am working so hard to reach a goal of wellbeing and fitness both in my mind and my body. I have even been embraced by the morning staff at breakfast to make better choices.
I have not accomplished everything I have dreamed to achieve. There is a non-ending list of things I would like to achieve in this lifetime. I would like to be a speaker on a worldwide platform for suicide prevention. I made an impact on a local level regarding Suicide Prevention. Also, I volunteer for Crisis Text Line where the majority of the people are looking for someone to talk to because they are contemplating dying by suicide. I want to be represented by an art gallery and make money from my art work. I want to inspire people through my artwork, music and my life.
At this point, I would leave behind a bunch of unorganized photography and artwork. I would be known as a talented person that fought for what is right. I would leave behind my family that I love very much. I would leave behind a silhouette of a person. I would be known for all the things I did, not for the kind of person I was. I am a mover and a shaker and types usually are known for what the do. After all, there is a lot of the world I haven't seen yet.
I had all these amazing thoughts of solutions to these problems. I had a moment of clarity where I was a cheerleader for myself. The defeated person that lives inside all of us, got sent to the bench. I made a list of all the things that I am that make my character and not the things I do. As my last breathing technique came to a close with Gary's words resonating in my brain, I took 5 really deep breaths, I clapped my hands together loudly and instinctively said, "F--- Yes! I got this!"
Conquer today not because I said. Conquer it because today could be your last.
A Bump in the Road
Today has been a rough day. My dreams of working as an artist are slow moving. It's odd but, honestly, I wish there was some sort of fast track. I have the talent and experience. I need the opportunity.
This morning my day started with this ad titled, 'Learn how to make money doing what you love to do!' I had seen these a million times before and reacted the hopeful way a person does when they buy a lottery ticket. All of the amazing things that you will do with all that money flash in front of your eyes. People that market that garbage know that is how you will react.
Long story short, I watched the video ad that never disclosed what product you would sell but guaranteed you would be making huge comissions within weeks. There were three testimonials. I think this is some sort of standard for these kinds of ads. All of them seemed phony.
I caught myself talking back to the ad with, 'Yeah, right' or 'Oh, you are going to discount the price you are going to charge me to make money?' Then, I started getting frustrated - then, angry. I let my reaction of this video dictate my entire day.
To make matters worse, I started setting up my Shopify Store today as an effort to be able to have my artwork on many platforms. While trying to learn I had another ad pop up on Instagram telling me, 'Learn how to set up your Shopify Store and make real money.' Hell yes. That's what I came here to do.
I started watching the live webinar and started getting more frustrated. The gentleman conducting this 'live' webinar was faceless and never appeared in the video. The best part... This was an ad to start 'Dropshipping' products to consumers from China. There has to be something said for someone that creates their own products, right? Needless to say, this video was my last straw. Almost two hours of my day were completely wasted. Then, I started to see the silver lining.
I didn't waste two hours of my time. I learned a valuable lesson: If I'm going to make money doing what I love, it won't be easy and there is no video or manual that is going to show me how to do it. See, this journey is mapped only by me.
Is it frustrating to know that I have done everything that I was supposed to set myself for a great future and still don't have this amazing success story to share with you? Yes.
Does it feel good to know that there are people that would completely buy and LOVE my art but I just haven't found them yet? No.
Is all of the discouragement of this long boring highway in the middle of my journey going to keep me from working? Most certainly not.
While, yes, today was a bump in the road. I have went over it and survived. Not only did I survive and stick to routine, I learned a valuable lesson today. The journey is long. The roads sometimes have no scenic view for distraction. And, sometimes, it rains. The clouds do go away and the view becomes clean and clear again. Regardless if the reward comes or not, I have to keep working because it is who I am that is driving me.
So, with that said, today was a win.
Photo: Jeremy Eaton
To be famous?
While many of us think of a job as a means to an end, many others are looking at a job as the thing we were born to do. I remember being in high school and taking a career assessment test. My assessment came back saying that my career path would be best suited for engineering. While, at times, I can be innovative and a very stealthy problem solver, I wanted to be famous.
I wanted to be famous. I had no idea what fame was other than everyone would know my name and life would be easy. I had dreams of being on Broadway because my community theatre and high school experience granted me such dream. I wanted to be a famous singer. Although, now, I am not sure what type of fame that would have entailed. Then, in college, I wanted to be a famous artist. I knew what that looked like. I would be called to be in all of these galleries and I could just create art all day long in my studio.
Now, in reality, I spent so much time wanting to be famous that I didn't take the time to just create because everything I did was going to create this fame. My art was good and my ego was way too strong. Wanting fame not only made me feel like I was missing out on something, it made me miss out on the whole part of becoming famous. I would even say that because I didn't achieve this fame, I was worth nothing.
Go back to the times before social media where you didn't have endless platforms to put yourself out on. This is before YouTube, Instagram and Facebook. Are we able to remember such a time? This was before the smart phone. So, last night after watching the Apple Event which they unveiled the iPhone X, I thought about Steve Jobs. Many people know about Steve Jobs, but many more people know about the iPhone. It would be safe to say that the iPhone won the fame game. was Steve Jobs ever jealous of his creation's fame?
As I started creating my InstaStory today, I thought about how this need for fame has diminished. The need has been replaced with pure creation. I am not creating for someone to notice me. I'm not singing so someone will book me for a show. I'm not taking endless photographs for a gallery to pick me up and sell my art. I do all these things because I have. I have to because it's who I am. I am a creator. I find inspiration in things people don't ordinarily pay attention to. Creativity is like air to me. Without creativity, I have serious issues.
When I dissect this idea of fame, I have to say I am famous in my own way. I am brave. I have performed in some amazing spaces including Carnegie Hall. I have shown my artwork on the campus of Google itself in Mountain View, CA. I have served my community with my talents. I guess you could say - Fame comes from within. I create because that's who I am.
Trying to be famous is like going to the casino and saying I'm going to win $1,000,000. It rarely happens, but, every now and then, you win $60 on a slot machine called Kitty Glitter.
The Bare Necessities
In India, I have needed very little compared to the things I thought important in the United States. An abundance of clothing, a refrigerator and cabinets full of food and all sorts of material possessions were necessities. I have realized that all of those things are not needed for happiness or even security.
Soon, I will be taking a voyage with just a camping pack to multiple countries. That is all I will have for an entire month. I have been thinking very hard about what I will fill that bag with. What is completely necessary?
Is underwear completely needed? If so, how many pairs do you pack for an entire month? Do I leave room to collect things along the way on my trip? How many Apple chargers do I need to bring? Do I pack shorts or pants?
I find the people here fastinating because of their need for less stuff. They don't even need more space. 500 sq ft is considered a nice-sized apartment. This takes me back to my days of living in California where my first apartment was the same size. However, the population of San Francisco is far less.
After looking at all these questions that flooded my mind, I came to the realization that I need none of these things. Yes, I do need clothes but not a different outfit for every day of the week. There will be places to do laundry. Also, as I have learned during my stays in Goa, clothes wash in the sink too. Do I need to pack underwear at all? No.
When you strip away all these things that we think we 'need', you come to know that you don't really need any of these things at all. In this day and age, there are stores where you can get what you forgot or need on the road or the train. Some items are available on the train itself or in an airport.
Ok, a toothbrush and toothpaste are two items that I know for sure I will be tagging along with me. I can't stand fuzzy teeth. It must be known that I find it pointless to wear deodorant in India. I am a sweat-er and it doesn't matter how much deodorant you wear something always smells worse and more overpowering than you do. Poor Doug.
So, in my upcoming trip in October/November, I will be doing a series of blogs about what we actually need on many levels. In this journey, I hope to explore, photographically and through words, the absurdity that we call needs.
This blog series will begin October 4th, 2017.
Photo Credit: Latonya Williams Photography - St. Joseph, MO
Jumping Hurdles
When you are trying to make huge sweeping changes in your life, you must remember that 'it can't happen all in one day.' This was a phrase my mom and dad use to tell me. As an adult, I'm now confused by that statement because when we want something bad enough we change on a dime. Actually, I would bet that anything we really want - we make happen. This goes for weight loss, sports and a vacation goals. My coach, Wesley Chapman, and I are completely starting to do the real work.
After all, now I have to be nothing but honest with myself: I thought changing my life would happen overnight and Wesley would be the magic wand that would solve everything. Wrong. While, Wes is completely helpful, a lot of this work is happening on my own with his guidance. I find shifting in my thoughts, my attitudes towards people become more connected and my resistance to fall into the negative has a high threshold. I'm grateful for Wes and have to credit myself as well.
In the beginning of our work, he had me write my story. It basically ended up being this victim drama with real life scenarios. We all have something that has happened to us when you take out the competition of who had it worse. In the three months of work, I had read and reread that story multiple times (and, still do). Although I have had some serious things happen to me in my very short lifetime, the way I look at every situation is different. I'm not talking about petty, recent adult situations. I am talking about from my first memory until the present. Victim is a word that is a curse and a blessing. To some, it is a weapon when you have fallen victim to them.
Did I mention that all of our calls are recorded - audio and video? Yes. I watch them too. I stopped being embarrassed after rewatching a call where I was disappointed when I didn't feel my birthday was celebrated the way I expected it to be. We have focused on expectation because my expectations are so high for people and circumstances. I'm a work in progress with a hard deadline.
My journey also lead me to reverse engineering my goals. I broke up my life into different quadrants. Relationship, Art, Intellectual, Career and Financial quadrants were a few that I listed goals under. Then, I wrote what it would take to achieve that goal. Since then has really been making it all happen. I have a corporate art sale in the works, I have grown my Instagram follows, started documenting my journey and started a routine that I work towards daily.
In the Honesty module of Wes's program, we established that my core identity is Unconditional Love but I let this cause me conditional pain. I love unconditionally but then I let myself get hurt and blame others for that pain. This was an incredible discovery moment. I have let people's actions completely crush me. I have let people actions determine who I am. What the hell?
While now I am on a path of forgiveness, I am learning to forgive myself first. In the end, the only person that you have to answer to is yourself. The only person who's disappointment really matters is your own. It is hard to look at your faults and say, "You know, it's ok. Let's try that again." Eventually, we become what we think. I'm thankful that this journey of self discovery in 'Waking my inner hero' has paralleled with my yoga journey.
So, why do I write this blog? Because this is one of my hurdles that I have to jump over. I have to be able to be simply be me without censoring myself out of fear that you or whoever reads this will not like me or think less of me. I have to write this because one day it is my hope that I can look back at this and say, "Who the hell was that guy?" And, step more into the life that I choose to live with love that doesn't deplete me but energizes me.
Ready, Set, Create
Since graduating The Academy of Art University in 2011, I had all but given up on a career that I had dreamed of since my younger days of creating art and getting paid for it. I had excelled in all art forms - music, theatre and visual art. Even after graduating with distinction from The Academy of Art University from the Fine Arts department, I hadn’t landed gallery representation or been noticed by that one person that would make me famous.
At this time, rent in San Francisco, CA was starting to skyrocket. I was working three jobs to pay for my room/residence and my studio at Art Explosion Studios. I was a barista in the financial district, a bartender/server in the mission and an artist. The ladder was becoming less affordable regardless of my resourcefulness. I did the routine for a year. I was exhausted, broke and, honestly, hungry.
With that said, my artist career was going to look different moving back to the Midwest. In St Joseph, MO there was no resembalance of what I knew of as an art community. In San Francisco, art was like yoga. You had drawing workshops, gallery openings and even classes on marketing yourself as an artist any given time or day. I packed up my belongs, loaded all my unsold artwork in trailer and I made the best of it that I could. I began Marketing for a family business and emerged myself in the community I loved and missed so much. I started to forget - “I am an artist.”
I created less. I went into depression. I started taking antidepressants and seeing a counselor. I look in retrospect and maybe I could have been an artist in that environment. The more I am honest with myself, it becomes obvious that because where I was didn’t meet my expectations, I gave up. Environment is essential as an artist. I should have left. And, that’s exactly what I did.
Now, fast forward to the present, I am living in one of the largest cities in the world, Mumbai, India. There is literally creativity everywhere. There is art in every way of life here. I have started creating again. I have started living again! I have an iPhone7+, an Instagram account, Facebook Pages, a Twitter, a Redbubble Store, a Pinterest wall, a LinkedIn account, a yoga teachers certificate, a Squarespace website and a blog. I am ready now, right?
While, at the time, I tried to blame people, money and time, I had no one to blame but myself for my lack of inspiration and creation. In that truth, there is freedom. In that statement, there is creation and possibility. In my journey, I’m learning all the times that my expectation caused me to make choices that actually took my dreams away from myself. I was and am the holder of that key. So, ready, set, create.
Moving Idle
There comes a time when you look around you and everything is a blur. When this happens your pressence is usually absent and the joy is lost. I am currently trying to refocus my art career.
For the last couple of months, I have been running around on the pages of the internet researching engagement techniques for my Facebook pages and looking at other artists' websites. You know - the whole business side of owning your own business. At one point today, I rolled away from my desk in my chair that I am in about 7-12 hours a day and got a wide angle view of my life.
I have been checking off certain boxes and, at times, feeling shame for not checking off others. I have finally learned there are 24 hours in a day. However, now, I try to cram as much into these hours as possible. I guess, the phrase 'Excuse the motion blur' could be a mantra. While checking off all the boxes and feeling that instant gradification we are all trained to strive for, I forgot that I was doing all this to uncover the joy that I had been missing. After all, I am transitioning to make a career out of what I love.
In realizing this, I had to step back and remind myself of my intentions. If I can't be joyful while doing this, I have to ask myself "Is this something that I truly enjoy?" Or "What about this do I not find enjoyable?" This is the beauty of redesigning your life. I commit.
I have faith in this process called life. In these moments where my heart is working hard and my breath is heavy, I have to remember the only race I'm in is with myself. So, it's time to start being present and enjoying this ride. Otherwise, life is just one beautiful pan shot.
