Day 6: Awakening

After the dust settled of being duped, I had to take my focus off the actual act that was done to me and notice a pattern.  I constantly gave to others, causes and things without making sure that I had more to give.  I was a half-full guy with an empty glass.  In truth, I expected Wesley to give me something.  I'm not sure if I placed expectation on him to come through with his promises or if that should even be a reasonable expectation anymore of humans.  Is it toxic to expect people to be who they say they are or just let them be fakes and carry on in the opposite direction.  

I have wrote before about how I don’t need to fight every battle.  Battles are internal, external, close or far away.  They can be for great sweeping causes or for personal dislikes or passions.  However, what battles are worth fighting?  And, what battles are worth losing?  How do you handle yourself when you are right in every fiber of your being but are still put in the wrong?  Again, is walking in the opposite direction carrying that defeat toxic to oneself?

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These are questions I struggle with because at times it literally feels like the world’s problems are on my shoulders.  I had two friends that faulted me for this and, eventually, we stopped speaking to each other.  I can’t say that I do things because they serve me in a tangible way but I engage in these issues of society, families and the world because it feels as though I’m called to do these things. 

So, here I am on my yoga mat, crying my eyes out, because I can no longer give energy to these passions because I am empty, broken and hollow.  Was depression brought on by myself to deflect from something larger?  Is my anxiety used as a way to avoid situations or people?  I would say ‘yes’ to both.   I realized at some point that I was taking antidepressants, antianxiety and sleeping pills to deal with not was wrong with me but what was wrong with everything I had surrounded myself with.  This was people, situations and circumstances. I was poisoning myself to handle others. How does that even make sense?

I have a high standard of values and because of that I expected people to be of those same values.  To me, these were right and, to this day, they still are right.  The only difference is now, these are my values and no one else’s.  You can sell a lot more than your body to sell your soul.  You can be a chamaeleon in a group of people blending to adapt to their standards or you can silently be different, with a whole different set of values, and still be the same person.  

This has been a common theme of my life.  I no longer beat myself up for losing friendships, having confrontations, calling out what needs to be called out or for causing someone to think.  The friendships I have lost were going to be lost anyway and the confrontations that I had to have let me stand up for what I believe in and that takes courage.  I used to fight a battle, lose a battle and fall apart.  With this new sense of being or awakening, I fight a battle, lose a battle, reflect and say, ”Thank you, Next!” 

To be continued...