Day 69: Determination

Over the past several days, I have noticed a difference in my attitude. I stood in front of the altar wall that we have at The Yoga Institute and prayed for the first time. I believe at the time that’s what I did. Since that moment I had with just sending gratitude to the family of founders of the institute. I have been lighting incense at this alter and in front of my own Ganesh and giving an offering to my Ganesh for over a year now. Aimlessly, I have touched the silver part of the Ganesh and offering all the coins that I have.

I am wondering, perhaps for the first time, if I am learning what faith is. I’m not sure if I believe in the one God belief or necessarily a specific religion because I feel spirituality is much larger than we could ever imagine. I have been showing gratitude towards everything lately due to a quote that I keep close to me. The quote reads, ‘All you have in the end is gratitude.’

I have also been reading the Bhagavad Gita in regards to the yogic philosophy and meaning. The other day our teacher started talking about the concept of our very last thought before we die. In your body’s last moment, if you are thinking about God, then you come back at a spiritual level. However, it is rare that a person has the steadiness of mind to have such thoughts. She spoke about a man that was having such thoughts and came back as a deer that lived on an ashram.


To have so much discipline that even your last thought was dedicated to a higher power. In this stage of my development, this very thought freaks me out. I don’t ever want to die. I have so much to give to this life and this planet. Just the thought of death literally freaks me out. I know it can happen at any moment and I know that everyone does eventually die. There is no denial about this but I can’t even grasp the fact that one day I won’t be here.

Ironically, it shakes me to tears because there were times in my life where I wanted nothing more than to die. I was ashamed of who I was. I was told that I was horrible, disgusting and a weirdo. I had no self-worth not let alone any worth to give the world. Now, I have so much to give and it’s my choice to give away. To think that I have only just begun to start this journey is saddening, to say the least. I have only begun on this journey of discovering who I am without any feelings of fear that I’ll be someone that nobody wants because I value that within.