Day 103: Jump Off The Diving Board

I have never thought of myself as a person with great fears. For the most part, I’m pretty much fearless. I have never liked being near the ocean at night but that didn’t stop me when I pedaled my bike 27 miles from San Francisco to Half Moon Bay on Independence Day several years ago. I didn’t let physical pain stop me from pedaling all the way back to San Francisco the next day.

There are several moments when I knew the moment was right and I jumped. I jumped without the contemplation of what could go wrong or not knowing all the details that could have helped me in the long run. I’m not looking for a perfect end product but rather one that was discovered with excitement and curiosity. So, when did I develop self sabotage and this hesitancy that I am starting to feel?

Over the past several years, I have learned that I can literally do anything I want to if I’m willing to put in the work. However, I still stand on the diving board wobbling every time the board moves. Why can’t I just jump into the water without looking around at better options? I have found lately that I want to do everything than what I need to be doing. With the recent attacks on my two chihuahuas, I have become lazy and undisciplined. The first time left me paralyzed as I had no idea what to do for the 3lbs beings.

I started thinking about all the things that I feel I am not enough in. The list was insanely long and I have no idea where that came from. I started to feel that I have nothing to give the world because of one accident that took my smaller dogs to the hospital. I had to make sure that they were eating, pooping and peeing and eventually they did. These very tiny beings consumed my life but I jumped all in and nursed them back to health. I left the television off at points throughout the past two weeks.

I feel that jumping off the diving board scares me because I have preconceived ideas about what happens when I go all in and succeed at something. This keeps me from being my authentic self and protect me from responsibly of the fabulousness that would surely ensue. I am scared of the Jeremy that really doesn’t care about the opinion of others and who can concentrate for hours on end without wavering. The shiny object syndrome is losing its shine and the dullness of routine is grinding down time.